Bottom Ten Things About France
I know there are lots of different opinions and beliefs about France, and perhaps they all have some kernel of truth. Last Wednesday, I left France after more than 8 months as a resident of this European country. And while I don’t consider myself an expert on France or the French, I have seen what life is like in that country of cheese and wine. And here are the Bottom Ten Things about Life in France in no particular order.
1) Driving. For the most part, the French know how to drive. And it’s not their driving skills that makes driving such a pain in the ass—it’s the lack of street signs. What navigational panels that do exist point towards the direction of a part of town or a small city, which is fine if you know in which direction your destination is, but it sucks if all you have is an address. Want to know what street you’re on? Good luck!
2) The French keyboard. Welcome to Irritation-Ville! Granted, the French language requires a host of accents that the English language does not, which may explain why you have to use the SHIFT key to type numbers (not hitting the SHIFT key will result in accented vowels.) Sure, if they want to rearrange the letters on their keyboard, that’s their perrogative. But the idea behind touch typing is simplicity and ease of use. But in France you have to use the SHIFT key to type a period!! C’mon!! Give me a break!
3) The language. Sure, some say it’s the language of love, and perhaps it is, but that may also make it the language of nonsense. It’s very, very common in French to say things that you don’t mean. For example, in French we say ’sans doubte’ (literally ‘without doubt’) to mean maybe, as in not certain, as in there is a moderate level of doubt. Me, I’m all for saying what we mean. But it’s not just that–the language, I think is where the arrogant stereotype comes from. People attach ‘in fact’ to just about every other sentence, and while it may sometimes be grammatically correct, it’s hardly contextually correct as often as its used. What happens, unconsciously, I think, is that the French are constantly believing that what they are saying is a fact and not a theory or an opinion, which lends itself to righteousness. And then there’s an increased focus on self, with at least 3 times as much refrence to ‘me’ or ‘I’ than in English. Usually, the French speaker is the center of attention, and possibly the Universe. There’s a joke that sums this up– How do you make money in France? Buy a Frenchman for what he’s worth and sell him for what he thinks he’s worth.
4) The Bisous. In France, to say hello, to say good-bye, we kiss each other on the cheek. 3 kisses in Aveyron, 2 in Paris, 4 in Brittaney, 3.5 in the Alps, 64 in the Pyrennes. The ridiculous thing is that it’s not even a kiss, it’s a touching of cheeks with a kissing sound effect. Different strokes for different folks. But what the bisous does is that it displaces the hug, a much warmer display of affection. The result, along with other factors, is a solid wall of separation between people. The miserably lonely man is a common sight in France.
5) Social Security. This one is a tough one. By social security, I mean unemployment benefits. The chomage, as it’s called here, is a constant topic of conversation. After someone has worked 4 months full time, they have the right to 4 months of chomage, 70% of their monthly salary paid to them by the government. There are some stipulations, but the use and abuse of this system is an everyday occurrence. I believe very much that a function of government may be to help people when they are down and out, but the lax French system (it may be a European thing) does not teach men to fish. I mean, the constant chomage, and the everyday support of the government creates a population that is somewhat dependent on the government. So many people have their hands out, feeling entitled to something they haven’t earned, and when they dont’ get it, they complain.
6) The complaining. Complaining is the national pasttime. A kind word, a positive outlook is a rare exception. Most conversations focus on what’s gone wrong, what bad thing happened, or some negative forecast of a future event. In general, the French are the most pessimistic people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. It’s kinda sick, the way they take pride in their wounds, and it connects back to the smoking thing.
7) Food. I know, I know, this is a total contradiction to common knowledge. And yes, the level of food here is top notch, but I’ll get to that in the next post. The French house centers around the table and food. Meals are long and drawn out, and the conversations often revolve around previous eating experiences. Ay, there’s the rub. The French are so committed to food and what they consider a proper diet (which intuition tells me is hardly healthy) that they get stuck. Food, food, food, food, food, food, food, food. All day long. Lunch isn’t even over before the conversation turns to what we’ll have for dinner. I do believe that proper nutrition and a healthy connection with food is essential to a balanced life, but I have seen in France how an obsession with food and the pleasure of eating can get people stuck, and even sometimes mutated. In my philosophy, the purpose of life is to grow up, not to stay concerened with survival issues for the duration of our time on the planet.
The bureaucracy. This is legendary and its reputation is well-known. The red tape is long and tangled and to do the simplest tasks may sometimes take years.
9) Dog shit. It’s everywhere. Everywhere. Many French people living in the city have dogs, usually medium to big dogs. Their irresponsible owners take them out onto the sidewalk to shit and then leave it there for God knows how long. It’s disgusting. But, I think, it’s just a symptom of a deeper problem, the same reason that there are so many people who smoke in France—self-loathing. No matter what the rationalization, smokers willingly inflict damage upon themselves; they don’t respect themselves enough to accept a healthy life. And the same can be said for France as a nation—it shits on itself, and doesn’t have the respect or the self-love to clean itself up.
10) The Long Good-Bye. This goes back to language and saying things that we don’t mean. Time and time again, I’d get flustered, frustrated, and downright pissed off with the long goodbye. You say good-bye, everyone gets up and does their fake-kissy thing and it’s good. But then a pause comes, the pause when the departing should depart, but instead, someone begins another conversation and then you’re stuck there for another 15 minutes, then another round of good-byes without the kissing and if you’re very lucky, you’ll leave, but most times someone else has something to say. On a bad night, good-bye can take more than an hour…
The list could go on and on, but we’ll stop there for now.
Stay tuned…next time, the 10 Best Things in France.
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