Roll up for the Mystery Tour

Leaving was tough, much tougher than I thought it would be.  When I arrived at the Steiner Institute I was ready to go.  Between the Sundance (holy shit!) and Clown School, I only  had a few days with Mrs. International and those were hectic and filled with long hours moving things from one place to another.  I wasn’t looking forward to another 2 weeks of separation, but the warm welcome of the people in and around the Institute helped to soothe my aching heart.

The clowning class with Vivian Gladwell began and the time sped up.  Now, 2 weeks later, sitting in my own sweat, wearing the Texas heat like a thick blanket, I wonder where all that time went.  Surely it couldn’t have passed so quickly.  I look back at this time and thank God, the Universe, Whoever for the aligning of the Stars, the Planets, Whatever to make this journey possible.  I thank myself for staying true to my goal and thank Mrs. International for supporting me and helping me to see.

Clowning is deep work.  True, it may be absurd and it’s nearly always silly, but it’s deep work nonetheless.  Friday, our last day as a class of clowns, I was open and raw, my heart pinned open to some astral operating table.  I’m not sure who’s operating nor what they are doing, but I am trusting that it is all for the Greater Good.  I’m accepting and letting go, letting myself rest in that state of vulnerability.  It seems that I learned at some young age to hide that vulnerability, to cover it with one facade or another, the most lasting facade–being cool.  Looking back over the erratic events of my life in the previous years, I can see that a deep part of me was trying to buck that mask off, to shake loose from the constraints of my silly ideas of what was acceptable and what wasn’t acceptable.

I learned many things these weeks–how to laugh, how to play again, how to feel some things in front of people, how to love someone while maintaining a boundary that respects and protects my commitment.  But above all, I learned that vulnerability is a strength.  That by exposing the emotions that rage inside, we can connect to each other, support and hold each other.  We can be fully human, instead of being what we think is human.  And in this purity, this reality lies the strength to be.

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